Really?
Haven't we been down this road?
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| Photo taken by M. Ladner 2012 Delaware |
Yes. Yes, we have.
But in the spirit of blind support and mindless positivity let's hope for the best. I'll at least endeavor to not delete content this time. That's a pretty big hurdle in of itself.
I've been asking myself a lot of questions in the last several months. Big questions, little questions. I have a need and desire to explore these questions. Something about losing someone does that. Especially someone anchoring to your life and your identity. Someone like a mom. Because I write, writing through these questions can sometimes be helpful. It's just where I'm at right now.
One of the little questions I've asked myself is, why can't I seem to stick with a blog concept? I seem to like to blog, yet it's clearly an incredible struggle.
I really thought about this.
Two things happened.
#1 I experienced a rise in heartburn inducing anxiety.
#2 The word concept kept popping into my head like a neon strobe.
Odd, one might think. Why be anxious? Why is having a clear concept creating this level of anxiety?
The easy answer is neurosis. But I think it is a complication to do with a fear of the word concept flashing repeatedly in my head.
I'm not a one concept girl. So in the sphere of blogging, writing, finding an expanding audience, and connecting with a population of people--the end goal for most who write publicly--without concept I'm ineffectual and terminal in relevance. That is something that is true. Something I know. Knowing that truth makes it hard to stick to my guns and write about me. Because me is so many rarely connecting and chaotic pieces--pieces only connected because it's me. Also, I don't think me matters much to anyone but...well... me. It feels selfish and pointless.
Futhermore, I've sat in a lot of rooms with bloggers and writers that talk about the importance of clear concepts when developing audiences and platforms for books and blogs. The importance of direction in any writing project is, well, important. So, I'll say with a continued lack of profundity, not being sure of oneself and what one sets out to accomplish can create problems. Problems of finding readers. Problems of effectively communicating. Problems of the project becoming merely a form of intellectual and emotional masturbation. Yet, not being sure of myself is the only thing I'm sure of and ultimately something I would love to write through in a public forum (for a few reasons I'll touch on in a later post). And though ME!ME!ME! and WTF? are useful and amusing hash-tags, I'm skeptical of how awesome a writing concept it may prove to be.
Nonetheless that is exactly what I wish to write about. What I propose. A listless, chaotic, self-absorbed space in which to talk about me, my writing and life insights, my experiences, and the thoughts in my head. That is also something true.
